How to translate Journalism job postings

One of the reasons I wanted to be a journalist was so I didn’t have to spend all day in front of a computer.

Therefore, one of my biggest fears while applying for a job is that I will end up in the back room, tucked away in somebody’s Web department emerging only to make small talk about some sit-com. Sometimes I feel like any “web producer” , “web editor” , or “multimedia reporter” is just code for hiring a computer zombie to do monotonous tasks on the computer all day without leaving the office. In fact, a lot of language on journalism job postings is really leading to some other idea. So allow me to translate the often cryptic language of hiring editors:

“We are looking for an applicant who can maintain rich and powerful digital media” = You will be staring a computer screen all day. Don’t think about leaving. Seriously, we’ll bring your lunch to you and everything.

“the idea of working nights doesn’t scare you and if you think you can keep up the pace” = We are going to give you insane hours and work you like a dog. But if you whine about it, we are just going to call you a sissy.

“is in search of focused, resourceful reporters interested in working as stringers in various locations” = We are too cheap to give out health insurance.

“Town X offers a wide variety of outdoor activities” = We know we are in the middle of nowhere. But you never worked at a newspaper before, so suck it up and move.

“motivated and willing to go the extra mile for the paper” = You’re totally going to stay late and get no overtime.

“The ideal candidate will have a minimum of three to five years experience building Web sites plus two years combined experience in object oriented languages such as Python, Java, C#, or Ruby. Experience using XML, HTML, XHTML, CSS, AJAX, and/or JavaScript ” = We are looking for computer jesus.

And I swear if I read “looking for a self-starter” one more time, I will turn off my computer, dismantle it into 50 parts, and bury one piece in every state.